The Wellbeing Gamer.

Wow, I haven’t wrote anything this year!

I actually see that as a very good thing because I was using this page to make sense of my thoughts and feelings and writing has helped. At this time I am in a far better place than I have been in a long time which is fantastic, but it has been a tough interim period. Here is an update.

Literally days after my last post in November I lost my Gran. Not to Covid directly but yes because of Covid. Since lockdown commenced she never left her house. She self isolated on her own. As a result no one could come round and see her and equally she couldn’t get out to see a doctor or medical professional. She took a fall at the end of October which hospitalised her and she then spent a short month in hospital before passing, no one by her side due to restrictions. I didn’t live locally unfortunately. I was upset and more angry as I felt I’d been cheated out of an opportunity to see her again due to the pandemic. I couldn’t get to the funeral either as it was just before Christmas and lockdown was coming in hard again. It hurt and it was unexpected.

My wife and I were also under no illusions that New Year was also going to be hard as my father in law had a terminal illness. I wasn’t sure he was making Christmas. As it was he did and given the circumstances and how 2020 had played out Christmas was truly lovely. We made the most of this and will always look back fondly at those memories.

But then come February 2021 my Father in law succumb to his illness and passed as well. My wife devastated and again another hard period for all those close to him. Whilst it was expected it doesn’t make it easier because lockdown had prevented being close to him.

Throw into this a cross country house move in the March was a real challenge mixed in with everything. At every point in the process we had met obstacles that didn’t make what you would think should be easy, a great stress. We bent over backwards to make it work as well taking a huge risk by breaking the chain and going homeless, just so it could happen and thank goodness the gamble paid off. But some sleepless nights for sure.

Fast forward a few months and we are well on the up. I took a mental health first aid course in May. Covid had delayed my attendance here but it was totally worth the wait. What I found most interesting is how useful I found it for me. I have talked a lot about my mental health challenges, I had been to see counsellors as well. This course had I not already seen someone would have resulted in me checking in to see someone as I definitely needed it. What the course has done for now is help me to better understand myself and built in some further mental resilience as well as help me appreciate the challenges that other people could be feeling. I was quite naive to many things and actually mental health is so important and the stereotypes/stigmas that surround it need to change because people go through assorted tougher times and better times in their mind.

This leads me to “The Wellbeing Gamer”. It got me wondering is there more that I can do in perhaps aiding people. What I’ve realised over the years is people in the main really do not care for my opinion. They don’t. There’s a few close family and friends who value my opinion, the rest do not. This was evidently highlighted at the start of lockdown and the pandemic with everyone’s different views and there was nothing I could do or so, particularly on social media, that seemed to matter at all to the many. But then why should it? People have preconceived idea’s of me from my past as I unfortunately do of others as well. I don’t appreciate the negativity that many others reel off and especially when it is constant, for me this is not healthy. So what I have chosen to make is a social media account called “The Wellbeing Gamer” purely designed to share positive messages around health and wellbeing through gaming.

THE WELLBEING GAMER

Gaming as an activity for positive mental health and wellbeing.

I love games, I love the competition, the focus needed to develop strategy and tactics, the patience and ultimately winning (whilst being gracious in defeat). 

This page is inclusive of all games from card, physical, board, puzzle, computer, party, social and any other style you can think of. If it makes you feel good, relieves stress and improves your health then it’s likely to be a good thing.

@thewellbeinggamer

There is always constant stories of hostilities online and in life. The stories coming out of the Euro final towards the England players that missed their penalties at the end were disgusting and there is no place in society for people to do that to someone else and treat people like that. I was appalled by it. So I want to share positive messages that help people feel good and aid in changing that narrative.

In this process of constantly being positive I hope to create a positive mindset for myself where I build in resilience to approach everything I do in a positive manor to achieve the best outcome. I feel I am on that path and this can add to it.

I will never forget those that I have lost or the experiences of the last year or so. It doesn’t work that way I feel and I would never want to forget those people and experiences of my past. But what I can control is how I move forward the actions I choose to take and what I want to create that positive attitude and energy to drive myself forwards and help those around me by being positive. There is a time and place for grieving and being sad from what has been lost but I don’t want that to define who I am and what I am about, because it’s not.

It’s exciting to be trying this, I’m intrigued to see where it can go. Currently I’ve set up on Youtube and Instagram. It will spread further for sure. Come and check me out and see what’s happening.

Less than a month away from 2 years.

It’s a been a little while since I last discussed my progress on not drinking so I figured this was as good a time as any to review and update. This is as much for myself as for anyone following and reading my blogs.

Unfortunately, I broke in September. I am a touch disappointed but let me explain a little more. The break was not a bad break and always I maintained I would never say “never again”.

I had one drink! That was it.

It was at my best friend’s wedding, he was my best man and I one of his groomsman. I always intended not to drink on the day and across the weekend. Everyone present at the wedding that knew me also knew this, there was no pressure. If anything the time to perhaps have had a drink would have been at the socially distanced stag do the previous much, I certainly felt more tempted on that occasion but was incredibly pleased I didn’t.

So on the wedding day before the ceremony the Groom presented all the groomsman with a small gift which was a small wooden box with names printed on. Inside were a set of Ted Baker cuff links as well as a printed whiskey glass and 50ml miniature of Glenmorangie (or equal high quality whiskey). I actually felt a little awkward here because the Groom knew I wasn’t drinking, so why had I been presented with a gift as such? I can only assume it was keeping things equal amongst all others. But I pondered for a good few moments while others were chatting. It was obvious to me some sort of toast was to happen here. Do I get involved or do I not? I made the decision that in this moment I will make an exemption and for one instance I will break my No drinking rule for my good friend on his once in a lifetime special day and be a part of something special. Was I nervous that one drink may lead to more, incredibly oddly enough, but went with it. So I poured about half of my miniature into the glass and enjoyed that moment. As already noted there was no pressure on me and the Groom even whipped out a can of Pepsi for me because he knew. But I was decided and I joined in. It felt good, given also it was Whiskey I properly felt it as well, probably not the best first choice after a year and three quarters but it was the only drink I had on the day. I didn’t touch another and continue to not be drinking still to this day. The other half ended up in the Groom’s whiskey glass also.

The temptation to continue and make a full night of it was there as well. But I did not and I didn’t even feel tempted to indulge, the bar was also open. There was table wine but I didn’t need it or actually want any more, other than to enjoy that one moment with an incredibly good group of lads. I am so pleased about this and that I could leave it at that. It might mean that down the line I might also toast other important occasions, it might not, I will take it as I feel on the day. Occasions such as taken my son out for a beer on his 18th. Special anniversaries or birthday’s, I don’t know. But it is nice to know there is some control about me.

So whilst I may be a touch disappointed I have no regret and I can absolutely say the choice was mine and I was fully in charge of the situation. So the positives for me far out way the negatives. It was an enjoyable moment that I shared in.

Interestingly whilst in this time of international crisis and feeling isolated. Not just my not drinking excluding me from wider society but the virus itself. When those social occasions arise that I am involved with I really do not feel excluded because I’m choosing not to be a part of the drinking that is occurring. This is also something very cool and pleasing. I can make of the event what I want to make of the event without feeling judged or criticized by piers for the lifestyle choice I have made.

So maybe another update at the 2 year mark, or is that reset now? I don’t know. But either way I’m keeping strong and I’m really happy about that.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Ranting out loud. Apologies in advance for the lack of positivity and many questions without answers.

I’m ranting loud on here because I’m not sure where else I can in this crazy world of social media. I just don’t understand things right now at all.

What’s going on? Everything feels crazy from a local scale to a global scale and I just don’t know what to do.

We’re in a global pandemic. It’s Covid-19 and cases are rapidly on the rise in the UK and it feels like no one cares. The entire situation is making me feel very recluse from society. I want to push out more, mainly for my family but I just don’t know how to do that and feel safe. I’m lacking trust in those around me that I should trust. But I view social media, I see people behaving irresponsibly and not social distancing, going to busier locations like pubs and restaurants. It seems all too risky for me and I fear this virus.

I don’t understand the lack of social compliance in basic rules. Wash hands, wear a mask, give space. That’s not hard. But apparently it truly is hard for many, I don’t get it?

This coupled with the fact I stopped drinking (ok one slip in September where I toasted my best friend at his wedding with a whiskey but that has been it since December 2018). I’m really pleased with myself but I know this has made me a recluse in part. This coupled with being a new parent that wants to keep my family safe at this challenging time, and myself safe to be able to provide for them. But it’s all hard.

We’ve got some big life hurdles coming up and my feeling is we’re just not that important to many friends and family. We’re not the first they call when they’re looking to socialise. I’m just as guilty arguably, I’m not chasing socials because I just don’t know where to go at this time. We did have a lovely couple of hours at a park with NCT friends, it was a cool catch up and flowing conversation. I attended my mates wedding, but that was just me and not my family. I’m not putting us out there as a family on social media. Do you get forgotten if you do not present yourself here? Fuck knows.

I see posts on social media of friends with kids and i worry for my child’s development being just stuck with my wife and I in lockdown. We’re trying our best but is it enough. I’m sure at this point a few years back I’d have been cracking open a bottle just to chill…. that’s not helpful though.

I’m not exercising or playing badminton either. This is not helping. I need to get exercising, I keep saying it but struggle to do. Badminton can wait. It’s meeting up with people that I don’t fully trust, they just want to play badminton. I don’t feel this still.

And there’s no end in site to this virus. Just what the hell is happening. Why do people not follow the rules? It’s mental. So many don’t understand what it’s like to lose loved ones overnight. Most will shake the virus but not all will. It’s beyond my comprehension.

If anyone out there has anything valuable to reply with then please do. I need some useful guidance.

Let’s talk again… and then let it go.

The last couple of months since I wrote my blog “Let’s Talk” have been quite something around the world and at home. It’s all gone a little crazy with the latest pandemic. It really has been something else. I’m not going to dwell on this, the news is talking about it 24/7 if you are interested in that.

So now I have had my prescribed therapy sessions and they have helped in many more ways than I ever expected. I said towards the end of my previous blog that I had just had my first appointment and that I was excited by what was to come, I had every reason to be as I got so much out of these sessions with an expert. Whilst talking to trusted friends and family may work for some there is something else to be further gained from speaking with a trained and qualified therapist who has no connection or bias towards your situation, and fundamentally is their to help you. I personally didn’t feel help was available from friends and family anymore and I didn’t want to further burden my wife with my troubles, especially as she is also taking great care and bringing up our new child. This was my main reason for going, to get me to a better place, I definitely feel this has been achieved.

Let’s talk again.

After my first session the therapist described me as emotionally scarred from my experiences. I was also looking for coping mechanisms to deal with some of my issues as I have stopped drinking which was previously a coping mechanism. She asked why should I even need this coping mechanism. I had to agree, why would I want one? I wanted as she indicated to be able to cope and that be that.

I made notes as well after each session in an effort to cement the learning and knowledge I was gaining from the sessions as well as to discover the next talking points in the subsequent weeks. This was useful for me and I shall keep these notes as reminders of the work covered, lessons learned and support for myself in the future.

One of the key area’s I needed to discuss having become a father but not having either of my parents on the scene any more was to get to grips with some of the issues I had here. If you have read any of my previous blogs you will know my mum passed away and my father and I had a disagreement that we could not find a work around to, and that I now am beyond looking for it. But nonetheless it still hurt. The therapist was incredible in how she created an environment in my mind and in my heart that pushed me to thoughts I had never dare take myself to. My mum’s passing was through adult sudden death syndrome. The therapist pushed me into a situation that has freed up and unburdened me from a lot of pain, guilt and sadness surrounding her passing. I have wondered in the past did I ever fully grieve my mother’s passing, my home life at the time made it near impossible to do this and I quite often drank heavily when moment’s became too hard. The therapist’s session on this particular occasion was unbelievably emotional as it felt real and true to me. It is so hard to articulate as I didn’t think I could remove these feelings as I believed in them so strongly, but they were unhealthy for me to hold in the manor I did.

I cried most of the 20 minute drive home on that particular evening it had been so emotional but such a release as well. I believed the situation created. I was honest enough to totally open up to the therapist and her assistance in helping me move past these feelings has been incredible and I am ever so thankful. It won’t change how I want to go about conducting my life, I still have no intentions or desires to drink, I will still go about my life as I feel I need to but the unburdening is inspired and I feel happy for it. I feel I’ve moved on far more in accepting my mother’s death. I’ve even listened to those same songs by Bonjovi and others that made me break down and cry at Christmas with a smile upon my face now because my view and outlook has changed. So happy!

Now it’s time to let it go.

This is the other item that was significant from the sessions that I will be looking to build upon and better learn going forward. This blog will serve as a big reminder to me (if nothing else) about this lesson.

The therapy led me to further discover more about myself here I feel than dealing with the passing of my mother. You could argue that I still hadn’t even let her go. There’s probably mileage in that. But I discovered that I can take just about everything very personally. I let things fester and bother me far more than is healthy, I relive incidents again and torment myself with them but ultimately do nothing. This has become abundantly clear through the sessions and the therapist probed and questioned a lot of me here and I very much appreciated the challenge because it was amazing to discover and learn something more about myself.

So very simple the advice to me was “let it go”. Sounds easy? Too often I sit on things that have been said to me or things I’ve witnessed. But I chew them over in my head, maybe think I should’ve said this or I should’ve done that. Or when I have responded perhaps not responded appropriately, by that I mean an overreaction, or said the wrong thing perhaps and then heavily regretted my reaction. These things I then think about after and they knock my confidence as well to a degree. Usually these are things I feel quite strongly about and more often with people I know over strangers. This is why it gets to me more because it feels very personal. This is hard for me.

So the advice let it go. Everyone whether I know them or not is an individual and like me they have their own way of viewing the world just as I do. Yet everybody sees and interprets what’s out there in there own way and more often than not this view could be very different to my own. So sometimes when I witness I may not react and let it frustrate me. Or I’ve overreacted and probably upset the person because I’ve expressed my view. Why am I taking it personally? Because I’ve felt not listened to and therefore possibly not respected and my view not valued. Or perhaps even not taken seriously as people don’t see me as overly mature, these are all things I have reflected. This hurts because it’s personal as said. The therapist engaged me further on this and indicated that perhaps I had a need to protect people, perhaps lead to an element without the authority. But what she could also see is that when I felt I wasn’t being listened to was that I needed to keep at it, either with myself or the person and that was the unhealthy part. She challenged me to rethink how I approach issues, be more calm and professional and take a lot of the emotion out of it. She taught me that I can only control so much and people will do what they intend to do, she knows this and I can see the sense in it.

 

I adopted these views very quickly and actually put it into practice so quickly with subsequent incidents with family members. Previously after receiving information I was presented with I would have got frustrated and starting asking a lot of questions and go digging to the source, but I didn’t need to. I asked a couple of questions just to check all were ok and then I “Let It Go”. I didn’t need to dwell, I felt really good as well for it. That I could control this situation. It didn’t directly impact me, I didn’t look for more issues. This situation was back at the end of March and we’re now at the end of June and I cannot remember what the subject was even about, I just know I had success in adopting the “Let it Go” lesson. There have been more incidents as well since and I’m learning to understand as well where I cannot do anything and instantly let things go, or where I do need a little more information because it is important to me. Experience with time will go a long way here.

 

Another book Anthony Middleton, the former elite soldier turned reality TV star, has further reinforced and supported this lesson. His second book titled “the fear bubble” really added to this lesson.

Photo of Anthony Middleton by Channel 4. 

 

I would highly recommend to anyone on giving this book ago. He talks about how people spend too much time living in fear and the negative impacts this has on people’s mindset’s. He uses a technique of his called the fear bubble to control the fear and when you get to grips with the technique it changes your mindset and outlook creating positivity over negativity. I’ve certainly tried adopting so much of it because I know with my experiences I have lived within fear for elements of my life. His words have reinforced my recent therapy lessons and inspired me because I can see big changes on the horizon for me and family following this Covid-19 pandemic and that is exciting for us all.

 

My blog here is a permanent reminder to me of the therapy lessons received at the start of the year and how I can go forward in a positive and confident manner with clearer understanding of what I can and cannot control. Where I need to step in and where I need to let things go and move on from either in the right way that will benefit me. I can control what I do, I can make a positive impact and not be held back by grievances from the past. This is exciting. If this helps someone else along the way as well then that is fantastic.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Feeling Grateful.

For those following my blogs I’ve been having a challenging time recently mentally. The great thing is through therapy I’ve managed to push myself into a better place at present. This is something I can be grateful for. My therapist has been excellent and it was her advice to try writing a list for everything I feel grateful for. So this is the start today on the 16th April 2020 but it will not be the same day as published as I will be spending a little time letting my mind flow and the thoughts evolve about what I am truly feeling grateful for. Maybe some of these thoughts will be echoed by you as the reader. This was an exercise my therapist regularly uses with her clients, but here in the UK we’re in lockdown from Covid-19 so my thoughts here will certainly be influenced having been at home now for nearly four weeks, and certainly beyond this by the time the publish button has been pushed.

 

So firstly I am so grateful for my wife and 6 month old son. I love them both so much and I’m lucky and happy to say we are all currently healthy at this time in the lockdown. My wife has been a rock for me since we have been together and provided daily support just by being herself which I love. My son who is new to this world (and what a time to join it) anf has without being aware himself challenged me to be a far better person than I had been to date. Even before he had been conceived the thought of having a child prompted me to change my ways and I stopped drinking. I am grateful for that. The lockdown has also offered the opportunity to give me all this extra time with them where ordinarily I would have worked. This is an absolute blessing for me as I didn’t feel my 2 weeks paternity leave was enough. So the bonus family time is very welcome in a time of hardship.

 

To my knowledge on this date I’m grateful for all my wider family and friends generally keeping themselves safe and healthy at this tricky time. It pleases me to know that I generally associate with people that follow the rules, some sooner than others. Then reading comments on my social media and seeing that so many more people promoting the stay home message.

 

I’m thoroughly enjoying the unprecedented good weather we are having this April. It is making things easier during this tricky period. And with that having a garden, it is a bonus having this private outdoor space and it has never felt more important than this time.

 

As I’ve been typing this I’ve had Radio X on in the background and they just played “Can’t stop” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I love the track and I’m grateful for the happy emotions stirred from the music I love.

Copyright to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

 

I’m reminded from Chris Moyles the other morning on Radio X noting they were key workers in media services. I’m grateful to all the key workers unquestionably. Particularly those in front line work on the NHS battling the virus first hand. How could anyone not be grateful for this effort. They are all incredible people and words will never do justice for what they are working to achieve for the greater good. We are so fortunate in the UK to have this service and more needs to be done to support this wonderful institution. I feel I’ve been cheating a little by staying home and waiting for this to pass as my work as furloughed me. I’ve signed up to a local Covid-19 support group but not yet had to support. I wish I could do more but at this time I know I’m playing my part by staying away from all others. My wife has also played her part and volunteered to make scrubs for the NHS, she’s a seamstress and can make these which is again a small part to help, I’m immensely proud of her for that.

 

Now we move into thinking about something I’m grateful for that is not necessarily Covid-19 connected. It’s a joy to watch my son develop and learn. Now I can see why my wife get’s so much satisfaction of these moments. I miss them at work and feel I always have to play catch up. Just this week we’re watching him try solid food for the first time. He is also on the cusp of rolling over from front the back. It’s truly incredible watching these little developments. That’s it for today on the 16th of April 2020. This will be continued.

 

Today is the 28th of April. 2020 I’ve not added to this yet because I’ve been unable to think of anything useful and I’m maybe not quite in the mindset this evening to be carrying on with this but I want to try because I want to lift my spirits.

 

So today I am grateful for music. I literally have Kerrang Radio playing on in the background, no idea who the current artist but it’s rock music and I generally love this. It’s me. Some of the artists I love, the Chili Peppers as mentioned, Blink 182, The Foo Fighters, Nickelback, Greenday, Jimmy Eat World, Linkin Park, Muse, are just some of my favourites. And then there is the Offspring, the main reason for my love with this genre. The album was American and the song “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”. Oh my days who knew this would set me down this incredible road of drums, guitars and noise! I love it.

 

Copyright to the Offspring. 

 

The Offspring have always brought a smile to my face. Their energy, their lyrics. They will never be the greatest band out there but they are special to me. Nothing will ever change that.

 

Then there is live music and that special feeling of occasion when you witness your favorite artists perform their songs that you love. These emotions are irreplaceable. It’s always interesting as well, I always have a lull at a gig, for just a brief moment I slightly switch off. Sustaining the pure joy throughout a 2 hour set is probably impossible. I get distracted during a quieter song and then another big song comes on and you switch back into that high. It’s intense and insane. However this never happened in a Mosh pit admittedly, haha. When I next get to a gig is an interesting thing to ponder. That will be amazing, the first gig after becoming a father, it’s a long time off yet but when it comes round that will be something to be grateful for.

 

Sports as well. My goodness we have been without sport for 6 weeks at least. It such an important aspect for life whether it be through participation or spectating it is such a value to so many people including me. I love to run around the badminton court and really haven’t been able to do this properly and regularly for so long (way beyond the 6 weeks) from injury. Then just watching sport, I enjoy so many, not all and I won’t watch anything but can appreciate the talent and the skill of most. Right now we are missing it. I’ve found myself watching Youtube rugby re-runs in this time of lockdown, these have mainly been of matches I never had the privilege to watch in their day. What a treat and opportunity to appreciate some of the greats. It will be such a good sign for society when sport returns to close to normal. I fear it will be one of the last things to return but what a treat when it does.

 

Who knew, there’s a couple of things at least on the 28th of April that I was able to write about. Then there is always a cup of tea that has that ability to assist as well. I think we can all be grateful there. We’ll see what we can come up with next time.

 

I haven’t been in touch with this for a while. It’s the 5th of May 2020. I’m struggling beyond what I’ve already noted at present. We had to give up our family pets. 2 little cockatiels. They were good fun but unfortunately became far too loud that we were concerned for our hearing. I can be grateful for all the fun times that a pet can bring though. They will never be forgotten either and we look forward to seeing them soon at the pet refuge to which they now reside.

 

Wow, it’s now the 25th of June and about 7 weeks have passed since I last worked on this. So many highs and lows during a furlough period. I’m currently under threat of losing my job and being made redundant, and after the initial shock of it I’m generally now ok because we have been making plans (as best we can) to move forward and deal with this situation, whatever the outcome of it may be. I do feel there is an element of my mindset that has shifted and changed through this lockdown period. We have stuck to the rules where so many have not. I actually feel if everyone had behaved the way we have then we may be further through this but having said that the news suggests things are getting better, more people are getting back to work and so we can be grateful that everything is heading in the right direction.

 

With our situation and generally following the rules I am a touch aggrieved at those that haven’t, it is selfish of them. But also I know we have done everything we can to keep ourselves safe away from harm so how can I not be grateful for this. I only hope that this continues through society and there is no regression in this battle.

 

We have a trip planned out to the zoo and a couple of other dates for the diary and this is exciting. I look forward to seeing these things continue and getting a little more back to normal with each day.

 

Watching my son develop, now 8 and a half months old has been a joy. The satisfaction of watching his daily progression is unreal and I am certainly knowing what it feels like to be a parent. It’s amazing, he’s nearly crawling, he’s eating food very well and very controlled, he’s incredibly comfortable using the potty and we’ve not had a dirty nappy to deal with in weeks as he’s able to let us know. Introducing to something new as well and see him light up, just wow, what fun he must be having.

 

We continue to do what we do at home and we are pushing ourselves to get things done each day. Jobs at home, cooking good meals, keeping the place clean and tidy, all important routine items that might not appear much but do make a big difference in how comfortable feel and just to keep things as they should be for us. I’ve even picked up a little on the exercise again as it had dipped. Fundamentally all about keeping positive and keep being true to ourselves and enjoying it. It’s all we can control so we’re owning that and grateful for it. I touched on the start about the therapy I had completed and some of the lessons are certainly sticking in their, I believe if I hold on to these lessons I will be all the better and happier for it moving forward.

 

Thanks for reading.

Let’s Talk.

So for the last year or so perhaps I’ve had a little itch inside my head that I’ve not been able to scratch. A lot has happened in the last year with expanding our home to accommodate the arrival of our first child. I’m well over a year now off of alcohol which is great. Lots of positives happening and I am happy, but I believe I can be happier. There are some little anxieties creeping in and it’s been a struggle to explain why they are there on my own.

 

I think this minor anxiety really became apparent in my mind last Summer 2019 around late July/early August when the works at home were near completion and my focus was shifting to the arrival of our child in late September. Exciting times to come. I’d been reading a couple of books before this point and starting to prepare, Summer was now the time to for me to get fully engaged with this life changing event. It really has been life changing but for the better.

 

So what was holding me back from being completely excited by this?

Why does something not feel quite right?

 

I actually contacted my Vitality GP to talk about this but not a lot came from this initial conversation and I was asked a few questions about how I was feeling, generally the feelings were good, so not much more happened. I carried on getting ready with my wife for the arrival of our child.

 

Our son arrived late, 15 days overdue so into October but completely healthy and we couldn’t be happier from this. My wife has taken to being a mother incredibly well which is certainly a great relief for me as well as bringing so much joy in seeing how they both are together. Going back to work for me so soon afterwards was tough because it wasn’t long enough with our little one and I do feel like I’m playing catch up continuously with his development, constantly trying to re understand his changes and his growth because it really does happen so quickly and all I want to do is the best I can for him. Which I also know means being the best I can be at work and providing for my family.

 

There was a quite a lot going on in our calendar in the run up to Christmas, lots of people wanting to see the baby as well as other events, plus Christmas to prepare for. My worries had disappeared a little more through being busy and not having to time for thoughts to creep in, it wasn’t a bad thing.

 

Just over the Christmas break though I remember my wife was doing a little sewing in her office and I was trying to calm the baby down by using our playlist we had set for Hospital, our “Birthing Playlist”. (I would incidentally recommend to all expecting parents to have one of these for Hospital, it made an immense positive difference to the experience and I know our son was born to the Stereophonic’s song “Have a nice day”.) But at this point when the music was playing the Bonjovi song “I’ll be there for you” came on and I just broke down crying uncontrollably, the lyrics are quite powerful but this hadn’t happened to me in a very long time and it was a little concerning. It wasn’t the only instance of this either. I couldn’t stop it. Lots of other memories flooded back in, not connected to the song but the lyrics are such it just brought them up and then the emotion out. I know music has the power to move but it also felt like a little warning also.

 

(Youtube image).

New Year came and everything at home went a lot quieter on the social side of things but this discomfort in my mind was increasing again and given my past experiences with my mother and father I was becoming quite aware that things were not feeling right again. I think I’ve even noted in a previous blog that I hadn’t dealt with my feelings towards my mother’s passing, talk about the writing being on the wall. Now that I’m coming into the huge life transition as a dad also this entire situation is perhaps stirring emotions inside of me that I’d perhaps surpessed? Is that the right word? But whatever the word things had been put aside for too long.

 

I’m also currently about to finish, but late last year in 2019 had started to read a book by Jason Fox, a former elite British soldier now reality TV star, who shares his experiences in a book titled “Battle Scars”.

Jason Fox, Battle Scars, 2018. 

Initially the book opens up straight into a fire fight from one of his final tours with the elite group, The Brotherhood. Very quickly I assumed this book was going to be just a bunch of war stories which wasn’t actually what I was expecting. I follow the SAS who dares wins” show on Channel 4 and had already read a book by his team mate Ant Middleton talking about so much more than just war. So had high hopes but thought I was going to be left disappointed. Far from it! For a man who’s early career revolved around operating in a elite fighting group I’ve been blown away by how open he has been about his life experiences and struggles with his mental health following the things he’s seen in war. Whilst I have never been in the Military I found quite a lot of similarities from my own life that he had experienced with regards to mental health and coping mechanisms. 2 that stood out initially is that we both used exercise and alcohol as 2 main methods of getting by day to day. This created somewhat of a red flag for me in my mind because as I got further into the book Jason’s struggles only got worse to the point he once found himself on top of a cliff contemplating the worst. He had also had is own outbursts of emotion. I’ve not yet finished the book but given I watch him on TV I’m hoping for a positive ending to his writing. I didn’t want this pattern to continue for me.

 

It’s strange, I was on the point of calling the Doctors again anyway as I felt there was some more understanding as to why I had these little doubts creeping into my mind but I was watching the TV show Suits with my wife one evening. For those not familiar with the show it follows a group of corporate lawyers in New York who lead very wealthy lifestyles and one of the lead characters in the show, Harvey Specter, appears to everything.

Gentleman’s Journal. 

The seven figure paying job, the looks, the cars, the penthouse home, the women, and then all of a sudden even he starts suffering from panic attacks. I was wondering how? This is the ultimate man. He actually opts to see a therapist and this leads to finding out he has many unresolved family issues particularly with his parents. His father had died and he’d fallen out with his mother. Similarities again with my own experiences. He actually manages to repair the relationship with his mother, I’m not sure I can do that with my father and unlike him I have no intention of trying. There are a few noted differences where by my father had hurt me, his mother had cheated on his father several times and that’s what hurt him. I know this is only a TV show but the signs were there and I was on the phone again the next day looking to speak with the Doc.

 

So this pretty much brings us up to date. Whilst I’ve never seen myself as struggling just now I believe I could be in a better place and I certainly don’t want these feelings to get worse, I’ve also been there before. I had a phone call with the GP who has referred  me to a therapist. I’ve had my first introductory session with the therapist and it was a good first appointment and I look forward to my next. If you’re interested in what was discussed just read some of my previous blogs, they’ll pretty much tell you.

 

What came out of it though is she recognizes I have many emotional scars from my history. She also told me I shouldn’t feel guilty about my mother’s death, it was a freak occurrence with Adult Sudden Death Syndrome. I’ve been told not to feel guilty before and I’ve not yet been able to get over this, I’m actually a little excited this time that she can help with this because it’s the first time I’ve believed it, I’m not sure why but I’m happy I have trust here. I’m also going to be looking for ways for her to help me with my confidence and anxiety, ways of coping with the tougher memories. What for me was a refreshing response from her was that she asked “why do you need a coping mechanism?” I was taken a back a little, because she want’s to get me to a point where I would not need one which would be even better. I need to be the best I can be for my family and that’s why I’m doing this.

 

So there’s exciting things to come from this. I think I wish I had trusted my gut a little sooner and perhaps had some of these discussions before my son arrived but I’m on a good path now which I hope continues. I’m writing about it because other than my wife and a coworker that I have confided in I’m not yet ready to really discuss much further with other people and yet I’m feeling a need to share things and put them out there. My previous writings have helped but due to society being the way it is I’m not yet convinced showing this vulnerability is a good thing. The media continually talks about the need for people to talk more and share this and I do not disagree with that. There’s even a profiled case in the media right now with the passing of Caroline Flack and that is such sad news. Especially as she was unable to tell anyone. There is a nervousness about opening up here and for me I feel there needs to be a strong level of trust with you and the person you choose to share this with, because you don’t want to be the talk of the town as it were. Whilst the right noises are being made in society there needs to be so much more done in making it more understood and accepted. It’s such a subjective field also that what’s one problem to one person will not be a problem for another and that’s a challenge also because everyone has their own view on what is and is not a problem. Who’s to judge?

 

But for now, and to those reading if you are sharing similar anxieties always trust your gut instincts, invariably they are right in what you want/or should do. Don’t be afraid of talking to professionals either as they are confidential. I’ve done it before it 2014 and feel comfortable going again in 2020 because of the previous positive experience. If you don’t feel comfortable then you can also stop, they are there to help though.

 

Thanks for reading and probably more to follow.

 

 

What a plank!

10 years ago I was tagged in this picture on Facebook and today it has popped up in my “memories”.

10 years ago I unintentionally haggled this trader out in the Gambia, and by unintentional I mean I didn’t want the carved plank of wood but this trader would not let it go. After much back and forth, him being keen to make a sale and I just wanting to get away I think I paid about £2 for this item and it was smiles all round. Smiles from him because he made his sale and smiles from me as I knew I could get away. However we did have a lot of banter during this exchange and he was an incredibly nice bloke. Also telling me the tale of how he made the carving. I had to admire his persistence and passion.

This however left me with a plank of wood that I was lumbered with (excuse the pun) and now had to get back to the UK. I could have left it behind in the hotel room, but I wasn’t happy with the idea of this after how long I’d spent on the purchase, this was mine. So first of all on the coach back to the airport where the majority of my fellow students who were not present at the sale were confused by my acquisition.

Then I had to get it through check in, amazingly I was allowed to take it as hand luggage. So I carried under my arm and into the departure lounge with me where I held it for a couple of hours before boarding our flight. Our gate was announced (I think there was just 2 gates) and we boarded where the cabin crew gave me even more confused looks. Who could blame them. Then I sat with the plank of wood all of the flight home to Gatwick. About 6.5 hours long, several thousand miles I was getting this home.

Back at Gatwick at around midnight now and it was time to collect luggage and get the coach back to Coventry. Another couple of hours travel in the early hours. I placed the plank on the parcel shelf for the journey. Back in Coventry now and being tired after the long journey we were back. But at this final point I got off the coach and did not pick up my carving. Everyone was off, we set off walking home and my arm felt empty which was the moment of realisation that I’d left it on the coach and it was gone. I could not believe it after many hours and miles of travel I had forgot it at this final point.

I tried a few times calling the firm to get it back. Let’s face it, it’s a unique item, you would think it would be obvious to find left behind and it would make it’s way to a lost property. They denied any knowledge and I was gutted because I’d got it so far. It was gone and all I have now is this pic and the memory of probably my most unusual purchase.

10 years on I’m still as gutted. Especially now as a homeowner this would’ve looked amazing hanging up over my……. or hanging up in…. well it would’ve probably been in the attic. I just feel bad for losing that trader’s work, and how I had become invested in it. He was incredibly passionate about it and I foolishly lost it.

10 years on I’m reflecting on this photo in other ways beyond just being a funny story on how I lost my purchase after carrying it half way round the world. People in the developed nations can learn a lesson or two from people living in developing nations who take nothing for granted and are so appreciative for any opportunities that come there way because they are so few and far between. Such things like manners and smiling. I may have been the only sale this tradesman had that day and my purchase may have allowed him to go home and feed his family that evening. Back then as I student I didn’t have loads but I had a lot more than he did I feel as I’ve not had to sit at the side of the road looking for opportunistic sales from passers by with no guarantees of trade. When we in the UK moan about a slight increase in petrol prices, a 10 minute delay in waiting at the doctors, the weather being slightly cold as examples then we probably need to get over ourselves slightly as really we are all very fortunate (particularly the people reading this post). The week’s trip to the Gambia and everything I saw and experienced during that time really now highlights to me how lucky we are in the UK. I could also appreciate how lucky we were back then when I was on the trip but just re thinking about that time really makes me grateful for all that I do have.

And I’ve still not learnt my lesson from then on leaving things behind on coaches 🤦‍♂️

11 months and it’s feeling easier than ever.

I haven’t talked about this for a while but I felt a quick update was in order. It has now been nearly 11 months since I had my last alcoholic drink. I’m feeling great for it and have plenty of motivation to continue what I’m doing.

 

Why is it feeling easier than ever? Very simply my son and first child arrived into the world last month. If ever I needed inspiration, motivation and focus to keep this going and be a better person than I have been to date, he is it! My wife and I are so happy with his arrival and very much enjoying the challenge of parenthood. It’s been such a positive start. I know if I was to have a drink again I would be the first person to be disgusted with myself for it, it would feel far from right with where we are presently at. Fortunately there is no desire, only an energy to do the best I can for him and drinking is not it.

 

The only slight itch I have had this last week since he arrived is to have a run around the badminton court, but it’s too soon for that at the moment.  One day perhaps in the New Year I will be back on it.

 

For now my wife and I are working well as a team in managing these early days of parenting. She has wanted to breastfeed which is great, I just cannot do a lot here (obviously) even though she has requested of relatives that they get me a pair of lactating boobs for Christmas. That being said I have made sure she is well hydrated and cooked the majority of dinners since his arrival, so I am perhaps playing my part. All I want to do is keep this positivity going as it will be the best for him.

 

Thanks again for reading, probably another update on the 1 year (ish) mark.

 

 

Starlight

Muse for me are one of the most established rock bands in the world at this moment in time spanning a career of 20 years now since they released Showbiz. Their album Blackholes and Revelations is probably my most favorite of all that they have produced and their song Starlight on the album I believe is something incredibly special.

 

I remember purchasing the album on CD in the summer of 2006 from Woolworth’s no less. The leisure centre I worked at had plenty of staff in on the day of release so my old boss at the time (who is a huge rock fan also) said let’s go into town and get it. I didn’t need to argue with that decision and it is incredible that it sticks in mind as most albums I cannot remember how and when I purchased them. So we did, when we got back the CD went straight in the player in the office (which the sound quality of this device really didn’t do Muse any favors) and listened to the latest work at that time. This was swiftly followed with playing the album many times at home as well and fully immersing myself with the music. It was awesome and two songs stuck on on the album, Knights of Cydonia & Starlight. Both of which are amazing and even to this day in 2019 can still give me goosebumps and a shiver of excitement.

 

Now for anyone who follows or has read other blogs of mine you will know that my mother passed away near the end of 2006 and this was a hard time for me. Starlight quickly developed an entire new meaning to me and very much ripped me apart inside when it was played because the lyrics were exactly what I was experiencing at the time and the song became upsetting to a degree as it flooded me with memories of a tough time. The lyrics below are as follows.

 

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

Now I’ll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

 

It’s crazy how the mind makes associations with music to periods in time. It does, this song that I loved, I didn’t hate or stop listening to but it was now full of sadness to me. Yet I do not believe that is what Muse are trying to achieve with it. It’s just this is all I thought and my mind would drift back to my mother and that tough time each occasion I heard the song. I couldn’t help myself. The line’s And I’ll never let you go, Hold you in my arms, If you promise not to fade away… All I could think about here is the passing of my mum and her being someone I can never see again.

 

It wasn’t something I wanted to change though. I love the song and I feel it became that much more significant to me because of the emotions it generated within me. It is it’s own memory I guess.

 

In 2007 my brothers and I acquired tickets to see the Blackholes and Revelations tour. This was to be the first time any of us had seen Muse (and for my youngest brother his first gig) and we were incredibly excited, we were going to Wembley stadium as well. The biggest stage. It was amazing and yet when Starlight was played the moment was full of sadness for me due to what the song meant to me. It hurt but took nothing away from an incredible occasion.

2007.

 

6 years later I got to take my wife to see Muse for her first time and my second as they were touring The 2nd Law. It doesn’t stick out in my mind though as to whether or not Starlight was played. If it was it did not have the same impact on that day. I’m not even sure if it was played. Nonetheless it was an incredible gig once again. Muse knocked it out of the Park in another inspired performance. They truly are an incredible live act.

 

201

2013.

 

Last Saturday in 2019 I was so pleased I got to see them for a third time at the Olympic Park in London. I first saw them when I was 21 years old and now 12 years on at 33 I was just as excited, although on the plus side not hungover, didn’t mention that bit before and it’s not even that important. It does however signify perhaps a maturing as well as having a different view on life. It is also the longest span of time for me in seeing the same artist perform, 12 years in this instance which blows my mind to a degree as the gig in 2007 was so special and memorable. The next longest span of an artist doesn’t even get in the double digits for time in years. The Red Hot Chili Peppers is 7 years, Feeder 9 years, The Enemy 8 years. I do know that in less than 3 weeks Muse will be beaten by Bonjovi hitting the 13 year mark, that will be quite a gig.

2019.

 

I digress, 12 years between first time seeing Muse to the recent gig. The set list was incredible and Starlight played. I just about broke out in tears but not because of the memories as you might expect. It was with what is to come and look forward to. My wife was with me and it was her second show and she is presently 5 and a half months pregnant. All I could think about during the song which made me incredibly happy was our little child on the way. Our hopes and expectations,

You electrify my life

I will be chasing a starlight

Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold. 

Starlight 2019.

 

I hadn’t forgotten my mother in that moment but those painful memories were totally superseded by the excitement of new life in the very near future. I was stunned at the revelation that this song’s meaning could change just like that. I do believe the live performance helped with this and Muse absolutely smashing it out of the park I have no doubt further aided the significance in that moment. I haven’t really stopped thinking about the new feelings and emotions that came out of the music in the last few days. I am amazed and very happy for it. There’s so much to look forward to.

 

Just before this 2019 gig I was having a conversation with some people who are not overly interested in music and pay no attention to the lyrics they do listen to. I was stunned! Although when I was a teenager perhaps did similar and did not pay the most amount of attention to what the artist was saying. Some lyrics are incredible and make so much sense, they’ve certainly helped me out in more challenging times but also aided in helping me celebrate the tough times. As a rocker I have really noticed so many powerful lyrics that rock/indie/punk/metal artists have created and they are amazing for it.

 

Other people I have spoken also believe rockers are negative and their songs are full of explicit content. I agree with this slightly but there is so many more rock songs that do not conform to this at all and deliver far better messages than what is in the charts in many instances. Just because they dress a little different and look a little different does not mean there is a need to fear the music. It’s just a fashion.

 

In the last year or so I have been trying to improve my positive mindset and avoid fixating on the negative. I feel this reaction has come about from this re-training of the mind and delving into my past to improve my future. I didn’t think music’s meaning could change like this, but I am so please it has as it feels incredible.

 

Thanks for reading, I hope you found it just a little interesting and give Muse a try if you have not listened to them before. They are Awesome!

 

 

3 months, easy!

Another little up date on progress so far on not drinking. It’s been a little over 3 months now and it’s been fairly effortless which has been really pleasing from my point of view.

 

There’s been a couple of socials where it would have been very easy for me to drink. I didn’t. The most satisfying element of that as well is that I didn’t even feel tempted or feel like I was missing something, it ultimately did not matter. One social in-particular was a work’s social where the drink was free flowing and if requested they would have put me up in a hotel near by after. I didn’t drink and just took the train home out of London after. Amazing.

 

I don’t know if the fact that everyone is a little older (in our 30’s) that this is the significant difference from in my 20’s. Pier pressure has not played a part at all and I am definitely comfortable saying no to those that have tried. If it is the difference then great because I’m not drinking and extremely happy about this.

 

So we our going to maintain what we are doing, avoid awkward socials and stag do’s (to a point) to avoid any temptation. It is working so far.